Shorty Gets Fit

Oh Blessed are the Children

2011-07-16T07:44:00.000-07:00

Well, this totally cracked me up.

We were driving home last night from Jack's concert from his music camp workshop. Murph was laying down in the back of the car (we have a minivan and he was in the way, way back...yes, I know he should be buckled in...part of where this coming conversation came out of). Jack was hammering him on how Murph was 'breaking the law' by not having a seatbelt on. It is a state law in MA. He told him he would be arrested. I said, "no, actually, I would be arrested as it is my responsibility to make sure he has his seatbelt on." Not that I think I would be arrested actually, I think I would get a ticket. We like to use scare tactics in our house though;).

So Murphy was just being silly and said to Jack that if the cop tried to arrest him, he would say something like 'I am sexually abused." First of all, what? Huh? wtf? Where on earth did he hear this term? PLUS, I am all like DON'T you ever say that to anyone...unless of course, you have been (which was just weird to be talking about as we were trying to drive home from a pleasant evening out, proud as hell of Jack...and a conversation that was not planned, etc).

Then I asked him if he knew what it meant to be sexually abused. I know that we as parents and the school do their thing about inappropriate 'touch' of private parts, but no one to my knowledge uses the term "sexual abuse" to young kids.

He starts laughing and says 'You know, like if someone was punching your balls!'

Tom nearly went off the road laughing. Of course that is what Murphy would think it means. Abusing one's 'sexual parts'. Abusing to him means hitting or beating up, etc.

It was such a weirdly cute 'kid' interpretation of something so awful.

Yeah, this is how crazy our life is.

OMG, UPDATE as of this very moment!!: Murphy just came in the kitchen to get a Mott's Ice bar--btw the absolute best thing ever and he eats TONS of them every day, but unfortunately they are hard to come by--and was singing "Can I touch your big, fat ass? Can I touch your big, fat ass?" (For the record, Jack would NEVER in a million years talk like that. It is not like this is how I am raising my kids. This is uniquely the Murph.) He then turns to me and says "What am I saying?" He wants me to repeat what he said. I bite because I am curious that way;). He then says, "Sure, you have my permission to touch my big, fat ass" and he bumps me with it. Oh help me;).

PS Tom just read this and told me I was over sharing. You can tell he does not actually read my blog if he thinks this is over sharing;).

Facebook has been my blog lately

2011-07-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

I have been doing more on Facebook since I have not had as much time to blog. Hence, my updates have been kind of dark for the venue....not the usual "at the beach and it is fun" kind of status's! Sometimes you just have to get out what is going on in your life somewhere "safe"...that is why I limit my 'friends' on it to only a few people and not everyone I know. Can you imagine how weird it would be to get some of my updates if you were someone I only knew a little bit in high school? All of my updates on Murphy and his 'stuff'.

Anyway, I do hope to update here at some point soon!

Quick update Neuropsychological Eval. Results

2011-04-26T13:19:00.001-07:00

I don't have the time or energy to really get into it right now. We haven't talked to Murphy about the results yet and I don't want him to see me blogging about it before I even talk with him. The only thing he does not know about or understand is the PDD-NOS. I am not sure how to approach that yet. I need to get more well versed in it so I can explain it to him in a way he can understand, without making a big deal out of it. It doesn't change who he is...but it explains a lot about him.

Oh, here's the Neuropsychologist's pre-diagnosis of his Articulation Disorder. I don't consider this confirmed at all. She apparently did some research and although she is not a Speech Therapist,she believes that Murphy's "clear and pronounced British accent" suggests this: "Foreign Accent Syndrome," a rare condition typically precipitated by stroke or traumatic brain injury but also reportedly seen in people with migraine headaches, conversion disorder and multiple sclerosis. Her words. I take that with a grain of salt. He is going to have a Speech & Language Eval this summer at Childrens Hospital, but he really does NOT have a pronounced British accent. He does have an interesting way of talking. But Foreign Accent Syndrome? I found that truly amusing. Got to get back to the puppy and the boys.

Just a cut and paste from facebook:

Confirmed diagnosis: ADHD/Impulsive Hyperactive type, Anxiety Disorder, Sensory Integration Disorder and Autism speaks over in our neck of the woods, PDD-NOS (extremely high functioning.) Oh, and he got his school report card today--all A's and 1 B+. Very interesting meeting and there was no parental blame at all.

Fat Ass...not me this time

2011-03-24T18:08:00.000-07:00

Murphy just called Tom a 'fat ass' in response to Tom telling Murphy that he is not to talk(there was a reason obviously why Tom said that)...Murphy replied "Neither are you, fat ass"...said so swiftly, so quickly in that incredibly adorable voice that he still has.

My response? I actually burst out laughing.

Then I said "Murphy, that is not appropriate."

And then I laughed some more.

Shorty Gets Fat

2011-03-20T08:05:00.001-07:00

You know what would be fun? A blog dedicated to getting fat. It is so much easier than losing weight. You could show photos of all the gooey, fattening food you ate. And show progress photos of one's ass getting bigger and bigger. You'd get excited when you went up in size and say things like, "Look how tight my jeans are getting. Yay me!"

I will be back with more posts in the coming weeks as the next 2 weeks are big ones around here. We have the 5 hour neuropsych eval on Thursday and the following week, a second appointment with the neurologist. We could get a more definitive diagnosis or lack thereof in the next 2 weeks. Murphy has not had any of the OT, PT or speech/language evals yet, but really the only one that concerns me is the neuropsych...the other ones are not big deals. He is getting referred for those for his bad handwriting, toe walking and his British sounding speech. Those issues are not the things that turn this house upside down. We got him a net book for typing, he will have well developed calves and really, who doesn't love a respectable British accent?

In the meantime, I have got to put a stop to NOT taking care of myself better. I quit the gym, cancelled Weight Watchers, stopped tracking food and have gotten back to wearing a version of my "uniform" daily (jeans, some kind of black shirt and Sanita/Dansko clogs) without any kind of accessories because I just don't have the mental capacity to care. Yet, I do care down deep inside. I have been doing some work around the house that has been really satisfying. Like pulling up rugs in 2 upstairs rooms and painting floors...yes, sounds weird, but this house is over a hundred years old and it is historically accurate for the wide pine floors of this style house...Actually, the real reason is that it only costs a can of paint and I am impatient and do not want to wait to have someone put down new floors. Not that we could afford it. We can not have them sanded and refinished because the floors are so old that the prior paint on them are full of lead. Plus I kind of have an addiction to gorgeous rugs. Downstairs we have unpainted wide pine floor with Tibetan rugs I had bought at Yayla Tribal Rugs in Cambridge, MA prior to having kids.

Yeah, so anyway, spring weather is coming here and I know I am going to be disgusted with myself as I pull out warm weather clothing (which more than likely will be a Spring version of my "uniform"...some kind of black short sleeve shirt and jean capris) and face that I have let another year go by without losing the 45 pounds I gained about 6 years ago. I know that the best thing I could do for my family is to tackle this issue so I can feel better about myself. Yet, I work on it for a little while until I don't at all. Maybe I am enjoying this house "work" so much is because it has a beginning and an end...with a result that you can see and enjoy rather quickly. And then 'issue' is over. Don't like that rug? Pull it up. All done. The rug is not going to creep back onto the floor. I guess having body/food issues is better than having a drug/drinking/gambling problem as it does not affect all the people in your life as much. I just feel like I don't have the room in my head to deal with Murphy (and Jack since he is affected by being the sibling of a brother with challenges) and deal with 'fixing' myself. I go to a therapist once a month that only deals with parenting Murphy. I feel like there is no me and that no one in my parenting circles where I live can really understand how our life is like with Murphy. There is no carefree "hey, let's go out and do something" around here. Tom and I don't even spend any time together when the kids are in bed BECAUSE I am in bed with Murphy. I am certainly getting more sleep and reading more. Okay, I have to stop since this is totally making feel sad. My life is fantastic compared to what it could be. I don't even need to give examples. Not in Japan...enough said. I know no one's life turns out exactly how they had hoped. I just wish I could eat at the dinner table with my family. We used to be able to when the kids were really little...before the sensory issues took over for Murphy. But that was when they were so young and dinnertime was so crazy anyway. I had been waiting for the time when we would sit at the table with a nice wooden salad bowl and the same meal being eaten by all and we could actually talk to each other about our day or whatever. I don't mean perfect...it would have the normal family stuff going on. That is all I want. Just to be a little more normal.

Well, I have to go. Murphy wants to go upstairs to get something and needs me to go with him. He is 9 1/2 and he can't/won't go upstairs alone. And believe me, it is not a matter of us just making him. Believe me.

Alright, over and out.

My Greatest Fear Was Not Realized. Sort of. I guess.

2011-02-22T14:44:00.000-08:00

I just needed to cut & paste the following from my facebook (I have one, but am hidden so if you want to friend me-wow, that sounds really stupid coming out of my 42 year old mouth--let me know and I will have Tom 'un-hide' me and figure that out)here for a start. I need to make a complete post about our neurologist appointment last week with Murphy.

********************************************************************************

And to think I was afraid the Neurologist was going to tell us it was nothing.

Let's see. What isn't there is really the question. Diagnosis's so far: Anxiety Disorder w/some OCD, ADHD, Sensory Integ.Disorder, Articulation Disorder (really? wth? that's last on my list to 'fix'), deferred diagnosis: PDD-NOS (pervasive dev disorder-not otherwise spec.), which is the autism spectrum & a Mood Disorder (won't be an issue once he has some of the other stuff worked on. I'd be irritable, too, if I had 9 diagnosis's. Doctor agrees.) Oh yeah, Agoraphobia, which should clear up once some of the other stuff is addressed. Doctor ordered OT, PT and Speech/Lang evaluations. Of course, the Neuropsych eval is to be first! And the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy...yay! And bloodwork to test regular stuff, Iron and thyroid function. Can't forget that I am to set up an appt with an Orthopedist to address his toewalking. We are to start with the Anxiety/OCD, then the ADHD & then I guess go down the list. Getting all of the appointments, actually getting a child who won't willingly leave the house to go and figuring out if any of this will be paid for thru insurance is really difficult. Plus, non of these doctors/appts are near us. Crazy times ahead. Well, apparently he is not 'just an asshole';). I got to keep a sense of humor. I mean, Agoraphobia, really? A triple A diagnosis of Anxiety, ADHD & Autism? This is a kid who got all A's on his report card, is hilarious (when he is not being a jerk or yelling at me because I yawned or chewed food near him) Kids like him, he just doesn't care to interact with any of them--especially outside of school. And after the Doctor told us to get a Speech/Lang eval for M, Tom and I realized we have to get Jack in for one because he is the one who REALLY has an issue there--motor processing/language. Yup, everyone thinks both of my kids are British because they speak with an English accent I guess. At least that is what I am told.

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Also, after being on the phone with our insurance company for an hour, I got the answer to one thing on my list crossed off, but had to add like 12 more things to my list...all before I can actually get any appointments set.

I do have to say that even though it was emotionally filling experience, I felt hopeful for the first time in a long time. I felt like my hard work of trying to figure out my boy and get help was going to pay off.

This definitely deserves a more in depth post.

altered vista

2011-01-06T06:39:00.000-08:00

"And sometimes the only way to move forward is to let go of all our cherished ideas about the way things 'ought' to be, so that we can begin the work with things as they are."

~Katrina Kenison, "the gift of an ordinary day"

I struggle, but work on this each day.

Really, I work on this each moment. We never have a bad day here. More like a series of bad moments. Sometimes the bad outweighs the good. That is usually the case. But we keep trying. It will never be how it 'ought' to be. I mourn that. I struggle with that. I cry alone on my back staircase or in my car over this. I allow myself those moments because I do know how fortunate my family is. Oh, how it could be so much harder and tragic. But I need to allow myself to feel fully so I can begin the work with things as they are.

I love that little guy.

Even when I say I hate him.

Especially then.

My sons are my life's work.

Epiphany

2011-01-06T05:15:00.000-08:00

It's not the clothes that make me look fat. It's the fat that makes me look fat.

Compensation for Suffering

2010-10-16T08:09:00.000-07:00

Basically I think you need to post everyday and then publish a book out of your posts and rake in those royalty checks (you need SOME sort of compensation, heh.)

~From my dear blog friend, Katie

Dear Katie,

I like the way you think. I said something to that effect at the pediatrician's yesterday. I said, "Murphy better turn out to be some kind of Bill Gates and buy me a mansion when he gets older...especially if he is living in my basement."

Love,

Julie

PS. I wonder if my comments at the pediatrician's make it into my child's file. If so, I hope they at least clarify my tone is loving sarcasm, not just plain mean.

I make myself laugh

2010-10-16T07:52:00.000-07:00

This just makes me crack up.

Said on Thursday, October 14th :

I know I am beating this to death, but yes, okay, I may be overwhelmed and confused about what to do with Murphy in general, but I CERTAINLY do not act like that in public with people I hardly know.

Said on Friday, October 15th:

Yesterday was the day I cried at the hair salon.

Oh this is cracking me up, too. Tom said, "Maybe I have Asperger's." (He doesn't. I'm an expert. I have a lot of books out from the library;) .)

By the time this whole thing is played out, Tom and I are going to have a list of diagnosises for ourselves.

But none for Murphy.

A Very High Tolerance for Weird

2010-10-15T13:45:00.001-07:00

You should have seen me at Murphy's Wellness visit at the pediatrician's. It was his 9 year old appointment. Just a regular office visit, but with a side chat for the doctor and I to pass off paperwork for him to fill out.

Murphy took one of those Vision tests in which they stand at the end of a hall and have to read off that Paper on the board with the letters. Well, I am watching Murph and he totally screwed it up. The nurse is like 'um, his vision is 50/20' or something like that, take him to the eye doctor, he can't see, ect. I looked at her & was like "Are you serious? Now I need to add this to the list?" I'm like 'his eyesight is the least of our problems." I'm sure that wasn't the response she expected. Plus, they had some person observing the appointment. She said maybe if that is cleared up, everything else will. I looked at her and said, "Uh, no, that is not going to happen." I then said, "Could you please retest him after his appointment? Let me tell him he needs to actually look at the board and try to see what's on it." I know Murphy. He was totally guessing at the letters because he wasn't really even looking at the board. We did it after the appt and he got 20/20 vision. I told the doctor and nurses that I could now cross "going blind' off the list of issues. I then proceeded to ask them if I appeared as crazy as I sound, which made me appear even crazier.

The doctor and I both agreed that we hope to find something to diagnose Murphy with, not for the need for a label, but so we can know that it is something more than he is simply a "pain in the ass." That was what his doctor actually said! That is why I love this doctor. We have the same kind of sense of humor. I may have said something like 'Yeah, if isn't anything, then he's just an asshole." Keep in mind that this was all being observed by some woman for learning purposes or something. I told her 'sorry that she got such an interesting appointment to observe'. I told her I really do love my child.

I had a separate meeting with the doctor as well. He gave me some info on an autism test--Autism Diagnostic Observation Schedule. I am to call the place Monday to get an appointment for this as we put together the paperwork for the big eval.

We don't know if it is indeed Asperger's or what, if anything. In explaining why we waited so long to even consider this, I told the doctor and assistant that Tom and I have a very high tolerance for weird.

I love my wild, explosive, weird little kid.

I really do.

PS My head is killing me. Bad headache, bad cold. Somehow I managed to write up this post no problem, but my responses to comments will be limited...which actually means I will write a ton. This post was originally a comment that went on so long that I just cut and pasted here. Seriously, head is killing. Must stop.

The Day I cried at the hair salon

2010-10-15T06:15:00.000-07:00

The boys had haircut appointments after school. I prepped Murphy on this for days.

We got to the place and he decided he was not going to get a haircut and he would not get out of the car. He is 9 years old. It is not like when you are dealing with a crabby 3 year old and you have to pull them out of the car. I can't get him out. He keeps locking the doors. I am only 5 feet tall so he is not that much shorter than me. Plus, how crazy it must have looked for a mom to be trying to get a non-toddler to get out of the car. We were parked in front of a coffee shop. We must have been interesting entertainment.

Anyway, I had to leave him in there to run up and bring Jack into the place. The hair salon people are like 'Looks like you are missing one child." I look at them and say, "Murphy won't get out of the car." Then I burst out into tears. Like sobbing. And I am so embarrassed and even more embarrassed for Jack because who's mom does this? He is in 5th grade in Middle School. They don't want their mom to embarrass them. And I am crying. And laughing. Because I look like a freaking nut. Jack suddenly got incredibly interested in some burning candles at the place and would not look over at me. The women at the place were awesome. Most of them are all moms and they have known me for years now. It is a swanky new location and it is upstairs so I keep looking out the window down at the car to check on Murphy. And to make sure no cops have come by to check out the kid alone in the car.

I go back out to the car to check on Murphy. I clearly have been crying...plus, I never really stopped. Murphy, completely unfazed, asks me why I took his backpack. Then why did I take so long. I tell him, Well I burst out crying. I can't remember if he even asked me why. I gave him his backpack so he could work on his homework. And I sat in the front and cried. Is that an Asperger type response? I mean him, not me.

After we got home, he ran into the house because he had to go to the bathroom. He yelled out to me because he needed me for something. I was getting all of his stuff...he took his shoes and socks off in the car. He does that a lot. Because I did not drop everything and run to him, he called me a bad word. I am so embarrassed that my sweet little boy called me this name that I can't even say it. This isn't the only part of him.

I sat in the car and sobbed and sobbed. He ran out and gave me a hug and said he was sorry for treating me so badly. It was sort of a canned response though. Like he was supposed to say it. He said it and then said something else completely off topic. Then he ran back in to do his homework.

I can't even talk about this whole incident with him because he does not seem to really get what was not okay with it. I don't know how to fully explain this to someone who does not live this. It is like he doesn't remember. That was then, this is now. He would give me a perfectly good explanation if he even acknowledged it.

Yesterday was the day I cried at the hair salon.

One Therapist Down

2010-10-14T08:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess we are all done with Murphy's therapist. I can't get another appointment after school until mid December. Considering Murphy didn't even come into the appointment last week, I just don't see the value in bringing him 3 months after his last appointment. I could get a 9:00 am appointment for Murphy, but then I would not send him to school that day and I just don't see it worth missing school.

The therapist asked me what I thought the diagnosis was last time. He doesn't know. He told me that he didn't think he was helping Murphy or me. He did strongly recommend we get Murphy evaluated at the Tufts Center for Children with Special Needs in Boston. Of course, he kept messing up the name of the place and calling it this other place where one goes for therapy...which then confused me because I thought he was telling me to go to a second therapist there along with him. Huh. Oh, and he always calls Murphy by the name "Monty." Okay, dude. What is so hard for me is that some of the world's best Child Psychiatrists and therapists are an hour away in Boston. I mean, great ones...ones that write awesome books and are approachable and take appointments still. But it is an hour drive and I just don't want to do that to Murphy. It's not like Murphy looks forward to going to a therapist. It would become a whole half day excursion. And my insurance does not cover them.

I guess I am going to hold off on starting anything new until we get this evaluation going. That should be complete by early Spring. This all makes me feel like I am not doing enough. But life is not like in the movies. You can be a loving mom who wants to do the best for her child and still not be able to get immediate answers. Or an appointment with whom you want and when you want.

Then, I feel like I have Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Like there is nothing really going on here with Murphy and I am looking for problems. That certainly is not the case, but it would be so much easier if there was an actual test to give us the answers we need. Sometimes I am envious of parents who have children with an actual physical problem. 'Okay, you have asthma, here is your inhaler.' No one judges the parents and thinks that they did something wrong to create the physical ailment. There is an actual test to find out what the trouble is. But truthfully, I am so grateful both of my children are healthy. Really I am. And now I know when I go out later, I will be standing in line at the store next to a mom with a child with no legs or something. Last time I took the kids to the dentist, there was a mom there with not one, but two disabled kids. One with Downs and the other in a wheelchair. So I know I got it easy.

And I was thinking about the whole thing with Mom 1 yesterday. Do I come across so crazy in my normal existence with some people that it makes them think I am overwhelmed with my kids and life? I thought I was being funny and charming. Apparently, I came off as crazed. I was just being myself. I know enough to hide some stuff. I guess I over-share, but my feeling on that is I am breaking barriers. If I don't talk about some stuff, no one will. There are a lot of moms out there struggling and have no one to be real with. I am not overwhelmed with my circumstances. They are what they are. I have patience. I am more sad in my heart than hysterical. I don't want to be perceived as frazzled or overwhelmed...not unless I really am acting like it. I know I am beating this to death, but yes, okay, I may be overwhelmed and confused about what to do with Murphy in general, but I CERTAINLY do not act like that in public with people I hardly know. It is sort of funny that whatever I said that made her 'concerned' was something not even on my radar for actual problems. She doesn't even know a twentieth of what is going on.

And how did I even come up in conversation?

Just getting it off my chest. My husband thanks you for listening.

Somebody come and play

2010-10-13T13:01:00.001-07:00

I had a great conversation this morning with a woman/mom I was friends with back when Murphy was in preschool. I had not seen her in a few years because her kids were in a different elementary school, but are now at Murph's school. We will call her Mom 1.

Back in preschool, I thought it would be the beginning of a wonderful friendship. We just seemed to really like each other. It was great until Murphy decided he did not like her son. And told him so. As in "I hate you." And then added in case there was any doubt, "No, really I do."

Though the Mom 1 was low key about it (I felt like a complete ass), our friendship petered out. I mean, back in those days, you did play dates with the mom and kid. It was just awkward.

Anyway, I saw her this morning. We talked for a bit. I thought it went really well and actually felt really, really happy. I was so pleased that I called Tom at work to tell him about it.

At pick up today, another mom--Mom 2-- who knows both of us, kind of pulls me aside and asks if everything is going okay. I know this woman, but not at that level. Then she mentions that she saw Mom 1 today, and that Mom 1 said she was concerned about me...that I seemed frazzled with my life and with Murphy, that I seem to be overwhelmed with Murphy. I tell Mom 2 that I'm fine and that my life is no more overwhelming right now than usual. But I feel like she is looking at me funny. I say, you know me, I am just hyper and that Mom 1 must have forgotten that about me.

Now I don't feel as happy about the 'reconnection.' I feel weird and awkward. Like I can't just be myself and keep it real without people who clearly don't get what it is like to raise a child with Special Needs thinking I am dealing well.

Our journey--fucking journey--is now including much more than ADHD. We would have been lucky if that is all it was. I have loads of paperwork to do and to pass on to the pediatrician and school. I have more calls to the insurance company and the company who 'handles' the mental health portion of our health insurance. Then we will wait at minimum 3 months for the evaluations to begin. The Big Time evaluations at the hospital, not the ones they do over at the school. Oh, plus most of it is NOT covered by our insurance and so far the costs are up to 8k. We have no money. Nothing. Nothing saved for college. No hidden savings anywhere to dip into. We do have credit cards though. Waah, waah, waah. Listen to me rant.

I just felt so happy. Now I just feel squashed. Like, really? Really? This is how she perceived me...as someone who seems frazzled/overwhelmed and that she needed to share that with someone else. I think I act very much like 'Go with the freaking flow', especially in public. I act like "Hey, he is who is". I crack jokes about my situation. I mean who loves to hear that your kid spends recess by himself reading at a picnic table. And that is what he wants to do. He could give a shit about hanging with the other kids. Or as he put it, "Mom, they think of me as their friend, but I don't think of them as my friends." Because he does not care, not because he wishes to be included.

Everyone just wants to be understood, you know? And I truly understand that others not in our situation can not understand fully or really at all what our reality is. And that is okay. I know that. But I hate that someone is now "worried" about me. I also can't tell you how often people say to me "He looks fine to me whenever I see him." What does that even mean? It is an invisible disability.

The psychologist said Murphy doesn't fit in anything cleanly (who does?). He has attentional difficulties, sensory issues, defiance issues and oh, the new one, spectrum characteristics. He is brilliant, but not functioning. But he is functioning in his own way. I now have about 12 books out about Aspergers. And yet, he doesn't really fit that fully either. He is special in multiple ways! Hurray!

I got to say that Tom and I laugh our asses off all of the time. We have such a great sense of humor about life and OUR LIFE in particular. Maybe that is why I seemed overwhelmed? Because I tell it like it is, crack jokes and such. Mom 1 is British. Tom thought maybe she isn't used to someone who shares so much (although I DIDN'T this morning...I mean, it was a sort of short chit chat. I wasn't acting like it was therapy chat or anything.)

Wahhh....I will shut up now and get back to this life of mine.

Living the dream

2010-10-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

Cat pooped on the floor, child barfed on the huge Tibetan rug in the dining room, cat ate some of said barf and I literally had just told Tom, who is away for work at a resort like setting, that I was 'living my dream' and I was serious(I was trying to be upbeat about my crazy life.) How's that for a kick in the mother-effing ass.

Good morning to you

Don't worry, you can read without feeling depressed:)

2010-09-16T05:04:00.000-07:00

More laughing than crying yesterday.

Also, Tom has started reading the book, The Explosive Child, finally.

Just so you know, even when it is crazy here...especially when it is crazy here, I am laughing. Because to quote Carrie Fisher, "If my life wasn't funny then it would just be true and that is unacceptable."

I know it is wrong to say

2010-09-14T16:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I hate him.

Really, not him, but what he does to our family.

I don't understand why I got dealt this card.

I just hate it all.

I feel like I have ruined my other child's life.

I better start cleaning up after the tornado that just hit.

Enough

2010-08-10T07:57:00.000-07:00

I wish I could stop time. Just for a bit.

Be here. In this moment. Well, not really just a moment. I really mean this time when my boys are on the cusp of not needing me. They think they don't need me so much anymore, but they do. More than they know.

As I listened to the thunderstorm last night, I lay in bed thinking about how much my boys have grown. Even in the last few months. I kept trying to convince myself that the years to come will move slowly.

I look at their faces and still see the little baby boy. I imagine I always will. Those clear blue eyes are the same ones I looked into when I cradled them when they were so new to this world.

I want to snuggle on the couch with my two babies. Those days when I was always so tired that I would drift in and out of sleep as we lay there.

I want to set up the chairs in the dining room with the boys and pretend we are on a choo-choo train on the way to the beach. Or the ice cream stand. Or up over the mountain with our cars filled full of good things for boys and girls.

Those days when that was enough.

Those days when I did not have to try to pull words from my boys so I can know how their day was because I was right there with them. Every moment of the day.

It is morning now. I sit here watching them. Just absorbing all that they are.

It will have to be enough.

She was

2010-07-31T16:29:00.000-07:00

I never thought it would be like this. Motherhood, that is.

All I ever wanted to be was a mom. When I was a kid and was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say a 'mommy.'

My mom tells me things like "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle" and "You must be very special is why God has given you these challenges."

But I don't feel special. I feel alone.

And I am sitting in the kitchen crying to myself after Murphy just told me to get out the room he's in...and not in a nice way at all. And unless you have a child like Murphy, you could not understand that the best option was for me to leave. I know it seems like I am not disciplining him and that I shouldn't let him talk that way to me. It is just not that simple. It just is not. I have another child who does not behave like this.

I wonder if he will ever truly know what a great mom I was.

Whatevs

2010-07-22T09:17:00.001-07:00

We are leaving this weekend for a week in Stowe, Vermont. I am so looking forward to it. I just want to hike and be with the mountains and my family. I really am a mountain girl at heart. I just feel so happy and at peace when there are mountains all around me. Plus, it has been cooler in VT than here. It has been so hot and muggy here that we just aren't going outside that much. And I am looking forward to some awesome maple walnut cookies at the local bakery. Strangely, the woman who owns the bakery is someone I went to college with. It is so bizarre how many people I went to either high school or college with ended up in Vermont, which is where Tom and I wish we lived. We just can't make the move right now because of the job situation and really, I don't feel comfortable leaving Murphy's school. He is in a great school with good support and not as much 'blame the mom' mentality as some other schools (at least that is what my therapist has told me.)

We are done seeing Murphy's therapist until mid September. Dr. M. would like to start up again after school starts and re-do some testing to see whether Murphy truly has ADHD and/or what else. I am so glad actually that we are taking a break. I just felt like we were going through the motions with no action plan. I realize part of the 'action plan' is that Dr. M needs time to with Murphy and gain his trust though. But Murphy's take on it all is that Dr. M is lonely and want someone to talk to him so he has people come in and talk. Yes, he said that. He also told me that he will never scream into a pillow as Dr. M once told him that he could do if he got angry. Murphy said, "yes, I know I could, but I choose not to."

Oh, here's some good news, too. Murphy's swearing has really decreased since he has been off the medication. No more calling me an Effing Beast and such. Plus, he has gained 2 pounds, which is a big deal when you are underweight.

I decided that after we get back from vacation I must get myself back on a plan to rid myself of excess weight. I just have not been paying attention to it at all. Plus, I have not been to the gym in a month since the kids are home. My gym is a little place that only has early morning classes(not open otherwise) and no babysitting. Yeah, yeah, I know I could do something here at home, but it has been so freaking hot and we don't have central a/c.

That's a new one

2010-07-15T13:05:00.000-07:00

Jack just asked me why Murphy had to always act like such a bastard.

That's just great. This is the child who does not swear and have outlandish outbursts.

I guess he's had it, too.

Our ride home from camp (which Murphy did not go to again today), Murphy was angry because Jack was swallowing his drink. Yet, we can't put on music to cover any sounds because he does not allow that either. Then it was the sound of Jack's breath.

I actually wished the person driving below the speed limit in front of me would just drive off the road and get out of my way. I just wanted to get home and not be in the car with my kids.

Forget about being 'normal'. I just want some peace.

What couldn't fit

2010-07-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

I have got to call my parents and dis-invite them on our vacation to VT. Our family therapist suggested we make it a "our family-only" vacation. Said we should go and relax (as if with Cowabunga boy.) Having my parents there would not help.

I was really mixed about having them come anyway. I didn't appreciate all the comments about how skinny Murphy is when we saw them last weekend. Um, duh, we know that. It's a problem. We are doing the best we can here. The kid is back on whole milk. Actually, it was the comments that my Dad was saying to Murphy that got me. The ones in which he kept telling Murphy he was getting chubby and such. Murph was like "Um, okay, I know you must be sarcastic." Grandpa didn't mean to be a jerk, but I just can not take any more scrutiny or veiled judgement, whether someone is aware that they are doing it or not.

Plus, I don't feel like being responsible for all of their meals (like making them coffee and breakfast every morning.) I don't need anymore people to wait on.

I am not as disgruntled as it sounds. Just it is hot, I am tired and Aunt Flo just got here (that's a shout out to HL who taught me that phrase:)...um, ok, that was a weird shout out.

Originally written on 5/1/10...Never posted

2010-05-01T07:21:00.000-07:00

I have started and stopped this post several times.

I am just tired.

Don't know where to start.

Can't seem to finish what I start.

Life revolves around Murphy.

Need a therapist, but apparently out where I live, so does everyone else as there is a several month waiting period before I can be seen. What is up with that? I really want to see this guy since he is well versed in ADHD and has a Center for Attentional Difficulties. He 'gets' it. He gets that ADHD isn't just about attention deficit and hyperactivity. It is so. much. more.

ADHD in our case is about lack of control, obsessiveness, impulsive behavior, a spewing of swear words when control is lost. It is also about creativity and a fierce love.

But.

ADHD (and whatever the hell else is going on) has found me on my back staircase, with my head in my hands. Either crying or desperately wanting to cry for the release, but unable because of a numbness.

ADHD.

UPDATE 7/7/10

We have several therapists now (one for Murphy and family, one for me for parenting him.) There have been millions of calls and talks with teachers, his OT at school...he was on medication for the possible ADHD, but neither med he tried worked. They just made him a total asshole. Yes, I love him dearly, but that is the only way to describe how he behaved. This was during his "mom, you are a f-ing beast" phase.

Oh, and the kicker: I was diagnosed as having ADHD. I took one of Murphy's stimulants to see what it did to him. It made me calm. Yes, my frontal lobe needs speed to slow it down. Stimulant medications for ADHD (like Adderall) work counterintuitively. They speed you up to slow you down.

So now I can't blame Tom anymore for Murphy's impulsive, whirlwind behavior.

That's the real kicker.;)

2010

2009-12-31T21:36:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

We just completed our first decade as parents. Jack was born in January 2000. Hard to believe that it was ten whole years ago that I was sitting on my old big green couch in Jamaica Plain with a huge belly full of baby...a baby that was kicking like crazy. We had no idea what we were in for, but we were absolutely giddy with excitement.

What a wild ride it's been.

Hmmm...Smells Like Murphy's Spirit

2009-12-30T08:35:00.001-08:00

Overheard from the under the comforter this morning....

After Tom is done telling Murphy whether he will be able to play a video game or not, Murphy replies:

"Oh yeah, you're the parent. Sometimes I forget and think of you as my 40 year old brother."

Word, Murphy, word.

Feeling like Charlie Brown

2009-11-17T10:55:00.001-08:00

Unfortunately my hard drive on my laptop died yesterday. I will be out of commission until I figure out what to do...and how much money I need to spend.

Yes, all of my photos were on my laptop..all our music on itunes, all of my banking records.

Everything. Some photos were backed up.

I will get back to everyone as soon as I can!! Just wanted you all to know why I haven't been around.

This Year's Popular Teen Girl Halloween Costume

2009-11-03T20:57:00.000-08:00

I saw a whole lot of young girls dressed up as skanks.

Yeah, you read right.

Skanks.

My heart hurts

2009-10-29T21:16:00.001-07:00

Is it weird to feel the love through the internets?? I have been feeling a bit off the past few days dealing with issues with Murphy (nothing new really) and even though I haven't written about it, I actually feel the support and love from my blog friends. You guys always lift me up whether you know it or not. Thank you.

It's funny how we can go through things in our life that may be difficult and sometimes painful and just go about our daily activities. I see the same people every day and I would never open up to any of them about how I am feeling. Well, how I am really feeling. I am always so smiley and upbeat in my sarcastic way. I realized the other day just how self depreciating I am. It kind of made me feel sad that I have been so unsupportive of myself. I am trying to change that. Pushing myself in kickboxing has helped me alot in feeling proud of myself. I want to look as strong as I feel. That will come in time.

I am trying to figure out some things about my child. I am not trying to be evasive. I wish I could pin point what exactly is the deal with him. He is so many wonderful things, but also so hard to parent. He is having a complete evaluation done at school...the full one including a psychological evaluation. He is really a funny, smart, think outside of the box kind of kid. But there are so many other things about him that are hard to describe. He's impulsive and obsessive about some things. Obsessive about whatever it is he wants to do, not OCD type of stuff. Like to the point I feel I would rather be waterboarded or that I have considered loaning him out to the CIA for suspect interrogations. He also can't not to do things. Does that make sense? He has a really, really hard time not doing something he is told not to do. I know that sounds like many kids. Trust me, it is 'more.' More is the only way I can describe him. Think of everything one would say is typical for a child and just add 'more' to the behavior. He also definitely has Sensory Integration issues. I am not sure what the whole scope of that is, but I know that he has sensitive hearing...but only with particular sounds...like someone else chewing. Not loud noises. I think there are other space issues that are being discussed as well by his teacher and the Special Ed team and will be hopefully evaluated, too. He needs his space in groups...likes to be off on the side (hey, me, too, at times), but then he seems to get into everybody else's space at his group desk/table area. I know, I don't fully get it either.

Presently we are in the midst of a situation that ended badly because of his issues. In September he told me that he wanted to learn to play ice hockey. It was such a big deal that he showed an interest in something. Tom and I were thrilled even though he naturally chose the most expensive and time consuming activity. He seemed to feel good about himself learning to skate and having something that was "his own." He talked so positively about it all. I felt so hopeful that this was going to be just what he/we needed in his life.

Until he realized that he could not deal with wearing the hockey helmet with the cage in front. He can't deal with the cage part. It is too confining. Again, trust me. It is a feeling that is 'more' confining to him than to a typical child. He said he wants to play hockey, but he knows he can't because of the helmet. Broke my heart. I told him I would find a helmet that would feel more comfortable, that he could deal with. I would have paid hundreds of dollars even if he only played one season. I just wanted him to feel successful with something he chose. But now, just as quickly as he said he wholeheartedly wanted to play hockey, he now simply does not want to do it. I know it all sounds so simple...like 'so what, he changed his mind.' It is so much more than that though.

Kids love him. I can't say he really cares for any of them. Playdates? How do I tell someone that he really just does not want to go over to their house...nor does he want them at our house...without sounding like you have the quirky, antisocial kid. I mean at this age most kids like to be with other kids and crave the positive interactions and connections with others. Young kids so badly want to be liked and fit in at this age (and really at any age!) Murphy just does not seem to care. Yet he would have a playdate with one of Jack's friends anytime. He'd like to be able to go to Jack's friends' houses. But by the time the kids are in 4th grade, they really don't want to hang with the younger brother of their friend. Jack wouldn't really mind if he came. Murphy can be a lot of fun.

He is who he is. It just makes life hard sometimes. Really hard. Exhausting.

There are all these blogs with these moms who seem like the perfect parent. Just perfect and look at how precious and wonderful their bright-eyed, well photographed children are. They write little manifestos on how motherhood is such a gift (and it is, don't get me wrong.) They cook delicious meals and do all sorts of cool crafts. Do they have perfect kids? How is their situation different than mine? I spent last Saturday crying on the back hall stairs. Didn't want the kids to hear me. I just had my head in my hands. My best isn't good enough some days with my youngest child. And then my worst comes out.

Murphy comes into my bed every night. I look forward to his warm body snuggling up close to mine. I brush his wispy hair with my hand and tell him "i love you, little boy."

I just want him to have a happy life.

Still here

2009-10-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

I'm here. I'm still doing my workout-a-rama schedule. I absolutely love it. I feel so fortunate that I am able to do it. I know I am so lucky that I don't have to work at the moment (well, it has been 10 years so far.) I would never be able to do this schedule if I worked, too. I will have to go back to some kind of paying job at some point, but for now, my workout plan is my job.

The weight is ever ever ever so slowly coming off. I try not to think about how little I have lost and how much I need to lose. This is about treating myself and my body the way it should be treated. It may take a year, but I am doing everything right.

Fat Blasting

2009-09-29T20:40:00.000-07:00

Here's my exercise plan:

Mondays: 60 minutes Strength class

30 minutes Step class

Tuesdays: 60 minutes Kickboxing

45 minutes Zumba (not my first choice, but it comes right after)

Wednesday: day of errands, school volunteering, body rest

Thursday: 60 minutes Cardio Drill class (mother freaking hard, constant hell sweat class)

45 minutes Circuit class

Friday: 60 minutes Pilates

45 minutes Punch & Crunch (a killer kickboxing/ab crunch class)

This equals 6 hours 45 minutes of exercise over 4 days. I try to do something active on the weekend since I can't get to class Saturday morning because Murphy has a skating class since he is going to be starting hockey (yay...he finally chose a sport he wants to play! and boo, it is the one with the biggest early morning, all weekend commitment and humongous financial cost.) Sunday mornings is Zumba at 8:00 am and there is no way I am giving up my one day to sleep beyond 7:00 am for that wacky class. Besides, once it snows, I will be on the slopes skiing or in some cases, walking down the mountain with Murphy when he decides he doesn't want to ski anymore...either way it's a workout...if we can ever get to the mountain between the kids' sports on the weekend.

I have literally sweated more in these classes than I ever have in my entire life. I feel fantastic, but I do also feel like the cute, jolly chubby girl in every class. The token overweight girl. I am the fattest woman in every class. And I am not that fat. But next to them, I look like giganto girl. I swear one woman's two thighs equal one of my calves. Everyone else is so fit and slim. Obviously they have been doing this for a long time. I take the classes very seriously and work hard to do the moves properly to get the most out of it. That said, the instructors really spend extra time with me...they know I want to do it correctly and that I am really motivated to get into shape. Sometimes I feel like others must think I am a fat dumb ass who just can't get it right. It makes me laugh. Others in the class aren't necessarily doing their kickboxing moves right, but the teachers don't spend as much time with them because they have not shown the same dedication that I have. Plus, they're skinny so who cares?

What is slightly annoying is when another person in class corrects me like I am the class mascot or something. "Hi everyone! I'm on my own biggest loser show and you all are my freaking trainers...if you see me doing something you don't like that the instructor hasn't noticed, please feel free to come over to me and physically move my arms on the weight bar to where you think I should be holding it. Great. Thanks...because really I love being showcased in class as the village idiot. It's not enough for me to point it out on my own."

I'm just tired here and feel a little rough around the edges. I am busting my ass and making myself vulnerable by showing these trainers that I need them to get on me and then to have another person in class who I do not know, who I have never even casually talked to, start to correct me in a sort of know it all way (not in a hey, just helping out way)...and then to not really show the kind of loss on the scale that I think I deserve kind of bugs me. Oh yeah, and then to learn that the woman in class who is totally fit and lost 90 pounds a few years ago had gastric bypass surgery was kind of a let down. I know she still had to do the work and has to maintain the weight loss, but it just didn't feel like the same thing I am doing. Granted, I only have 40 pounds to lose.

I just keep going to class and do my best. It hurts like hell, but I actually do think about those contestants on the Biggest Loser and think that if they can do it for 6 hours a day, I can hack 1 1/2 hours. I also tell myself, just one more, one more when my thighs are burning like hell from numerous squats and kicks.

One more. I can do that.

Busy Days

2009-09-22T16:13:00.000-07:00

I have to write a post tomorrow night or Thursday. I have been so busy with my...get this...work out schedule. I have been doing two classes back to back at the little gym I go to. I figure I have some catching up to do.

I wasn't going to do 2 classes today, but when Anne, one of the instructors came out to my car (yes, indeed...but I was parked right in front. It wasn't like she came out to a big parking lot to hunt me down) to ask if I was going to the next class and said, "c'mon, you'll burn another 500 calories", I hopped out of the car and went back in. This was after a hard 1 hour kickboxing class. At first I said, "oh, i'm too busy." But then I was like 'Really, Julie? Too busy? The laundry and dishes can wait."

I am doing the double classes 3 days a week and 1 class on Mondays. The total hours of working out is 6 hours and 15 minutes. I have not added the weekend yet as Murphy has skating on Saturday mornings (he wants to play ice hockey...ridiculously expensive and HUGE time commitment, but he's really interested so we are exploring it.)

I am supposed to be helping Murphy with a bath and Tom just busted me on the laptop. Got to run...

3.6 Steps Forward, .4 Steps Back

2009-09-09T18:30:00.000-07:00

I did go to my ghetto WW meeting. I swear it is just like therapy there. It is all because of this amazing Leader. Plus there were only 8 of us total. Well therapy in which I do not talk the whole time about myself...but I take it all in. I felt so good after.

I had to own this gain and it turned out to only be .4 lbs.

So the chicken did have to move backwards.

A Bucket

2009-09-09T09:16:00.001-07:00

Murphy's response to the question, "What's your favorite toy to play with at home?" on a 'Getting to Know You' worksheet for school:

"Um, a bucket?"

Yes, it is true he has been playing a lot with this big blue toy bucket lately, but seriously?

I told him that he could not write that. He's like "Why? I've been playing with it a lot."

Me: "You just can't."

The teacher will think he's a real weirdo.

Me: "It doesn't tell the teacher anything about you."

Or does it?

One of the other questions was, "Tell me something about your friends."

After much thought, Murphy wrote "I don't much about them." Huh? She just wants to know a name or two. Or that you like to play Pokemon with them or whatever. What do you mean you don't know much about them??

Um, okay. I tried to help with these questions. I guess his answers will have to do. I think his answers are quite telling in what we have to deal with here.

Well, I guess he doesn't know to lie to make himself sound better yet;)

Focus was Rear-Ended

2009-09-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

All it takes is one thing to knock me off my focus. I got rear-ended in my car on Friday coming out of mecca--Whole Foods--and I swear my focus was rear ended. Plus it was the weekend so it was not the same schedule. I am annoyed with myself. I didn't lose any weight this week. In fact, the scale is up. It's not like a binged. I mean I really didn't eat that much more. I was just unfocused and did not stay within my points. I did hike a mountain on Sunday. That should count for something.

On a good note, I went back to the gym and took a kickboxing class. It was so good to be back. It was a hard class and I felt fat, defeated and depleted...plus at one point, I kind of felt like throwing up. But I did it. I can't get back there until Friday.

I will get my focus back on. I have to. Tom started working out every day and he says he will give me serious shit if I continue this complaining about being fat, but not do anything about it.

That said, I am not going to WW tonight. I feel a little loser-ish about it, but I just can't afford to pay them for a weight gain. I mean, who gains a pound back on their 2nd week? I should still be in the couple of pounds off mode. I will go next week no matter what. If I don't lose weight next week then I guess I will just keep exercising and eating right until I do...as opposed to my old ways which would be to eat more food and sulk on the couch.

That is not who I want to be.

On another note, I had a very vivid dream last night about the last house I lived in with my parents more than 20 years ago. I guess it would be my childhood home. I lived in it from 6th grade until college. And for reasons I can't figure out, some landscape people came to cut down some huge trees we had in the back yard. Everything felt so familiar. I can't figure out what any of this means. Weird.

For Hire: Someone to do homework with my kid

2009-09-08T19:02:00.000-07:00

Murphy has been demanding that I homeschool him next year. He would prefer if I started right this minute though. His idea of homeschooling is surely comprised of him doing lots of crazy science experiments and watching tv. Oh, and eating lots of snacks. He also said that he would get a 20 minute recess. He didn't seem to care that there would be no other kids to play with.

After working with him on his homework tonight, I told Tom that I would sooner kill myself than homeschool Murphy. Okay, I lie. I said that to Tom WHILE I was attempting to get Murphy to do his homework...with him sitting right next to me. Don't worry I put a nickle in his therapy jar. The three words he wrote on the worksheet took a half hour. 3 seconds to write it interspersed with 29 minutes and 57 seconds worth of meltdowns on how he does not want to do it.

He's a smart, creative kid.

He's a smart ass and funny as hell.

And some days, he's just hell.

The Second Day of School

2009-09-03T11:47:00.001-07:00

Murphy woke up this morning and declared that he was not going to school today. He said that his stomach felt sick. I said something to the affect of 'wishing' he felt better or whatever and his repsonse:

"I wish I had a parent who knew right from wrong (I am not kidding, he said this) and know that it is wrong to send their child to school when they feel sick."

I had to laugh. He is seven years old.

The good news is that he did indeed go to school and though he told me that he was going to the nurse's office right away (and I sat in the parking lot resisting the urge to go into the school to check on him), I know he did not. I called the nurse around 10:30. She said she had not seen him today. The nurse said that she thinks that it is a match made in heaven with regard to his teacher. She is a mother hen type who has no kids of her own and thinks of the kids as hers...in a good way.

I think it will be like this until the very last day of his senior year in high school.

My Chicken is Moving!!

2009-09-02T18:35:00.001-07:00

I went to my first weigh-in and I am down 3.6 pounds and that is with Aunt Flo (thanks Heather for the funny lingo) presently visiting. Another really good meeting. I think I have really lucked out with this group and leader. Everyone is so committed.

First day of school for the boys. Everything went well until Murphy got to school. He was nervous about going to school. I dropped him off and parked so I could go in and drop off all of their school supplies. Huge amount of people in the hallway waiting to go their classrooms. I spot Jack and ask him where Murphy is. He says, he asked to go to the bathroom. Uh oh. That can only mean one thing...he is the nurse's office. Poor kid threw up...he totally wills it. The nurse knew it was first day of school jitters, but was a little concerned by the color of the vomit. She had me come to the bathroom to check it out (sorry...it is not as gross as it sounds like it is going to be). I knew what the problem would be. The vomit was a purple-blue. My kids eat super healthy foods 90% of the time. I always get a super special sugar cereal for the first week of school. Today it was Boo-Berry cereal, which they love. Anyone remember that cereal? It is a blue box with a silly ghost on the package. I know I am getting older and more relaxed as a parent since I didn't feel the need to let the nurse know all of the other healthy foods my kids ate this morning and that this was 'special', etc. I didn't feel judged, nor did I care. I guess that is progress as parent and as a person. I know I am a good mom even with the occasional 'candy-like' cereal:)

Anyway, he eventually made it to class after lounging on one of the beds in the nurse's office. His teacher is FANTASTIC. Jack also had a great day and has the best 4th grade teacher at the school...so I have been told.

Yay on the chicken moving! I had to adjust how much weight I am aiming to lose to follow what my initial weigh-in weight was at WW.

My WW meeting at the trailer park

2009-08-28T13:07:00.000-07:00

I was a bit nervous about going to this WW meeting. First, because I knew I had to make the commitment to myself and I was afraid I would let myself down. Second, because the location of the meeting was not ideal. We don't have meetings in my town. Plus this meeting was the only day and time that I could attend.

The meeting took place inside of a church like many of them do.Usually a basement, which is what I assumed this one to be. My expectations of what a church would look like differed from this particular site. We have beautiful white churches in our town with big steeples. I figured it would not look exactly like those, but I thought it would still look like a church. Or rather, what I was used to. I actually drove right by it and then did a double take. When I lived in the Jamaica Plain section of Boston for many years, there were these storefront churches that always seemed a bit sketchy and voo doo. So when I turned around into the small lot to a similar looking 'stand alone' building, I was a little weary. Naturally the building abutted a trailer park--in which a shirtless dude was mowing his 'lawn.' There was also a dumpster in the corner of the lot with a ton of garbage...you know, like rusty old bed frames and the like. I was unsure if the trash belonged to the church or the trailer park.

It was a tiny building...more like a mobile home (hmmm...maybe there is a connection between the church and the trailer park...like its followers all live there;) ) with no less than 5 entrances. Most of them with wooden ramps for wheelchairs...which seemed kind of strange since it was all one level. Anyway, the only thing that got me in the place was the fact that the other cars in the lot were all normal, if not nicer cars (but not too nice or I would have been even more freaked out.) It took me 3 doors before I found the right one.

I walked in, signed up and went into a tiny little chapel room with about 12 chairs and a raised platform. The people all looked normal and behaved normally. The leader was fantastic. Because the meeting was so small, it was like she was talking to you (okay, I was feeling vulnerable so maybe it just felt that way.) Bonus: I did not know anyone. I feel right now this is a private journey (I feel ridiculous using that word--journey. I cringe when others use it with regard to weight loss, but I didn't want to take the time to figure out a different word.) It has been about 4 years since I have gained all of this weight. I have been talking about losing weight to people I know--family, friends, people in stores, people at kids' school, neighbors, etc--for so long and have actually gained weight that I need to do this quietly.

No one talked about how to fit their twinkies or fast food into their points. People seemed serious to be there. Really, this is not a location that you would just go to for the fun of it. Also, it is not near any stores unlike my last location so you would not tag it onto other errands like I used to.

I feel better already.

I am reclaiming myself.

Awesome

2009-08-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

More on the WW meeting later. I'm getting the kids to bed. Then tomorrow Tom took the day off as a last 'summer hurrah' and we are going for a day trip to...where else?...Vermont! We are checking out a town that is only 2 hours away to see if we might want to live there. Tom said he'd do a 2 hour commute if it all worked out well. The trick to living in Vermont is to try to keep one's Massachusetts salary.

I feel so great about going to the meeting.

I think Teddy is with me right now;) I made sure the kids knew not to fight today as it was a day of mourning. Seriously. I am a huge Kennedy Democrat. Or was:(

Say what you want about his personal life, but that man was a tiger for the underdog.

Almost Time

2009-08-26T13:51:00.000-07:00

It is nearly time to leave to go to my first Weight Watchers meeting...well, the first one in a long, long time.

I am nervous.

Nervous that I won't make it work.

But I have to be successful. I know I am the only thing in my way.

I think it may be a good sign that I am nervous.

It means more this time.

Shorty Got Fat

2009-08-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

Tom just asked me if my fancy little weight tracker on the side of the blog also tracked weight gain...as I shoved a handful or four of Goldfish into my fat little face.

Very funny.

Besides I did not officially start yet. It's not 'official-official' until I get weighed in at Weight Watchers next Wednesday at 6 pm. I am not saying I am going to gorge myself until then. I am pretty darn close to my 9 month pregnancy weight (but not pregnant so, well, at least it's not all in my stomach. It's in my butt, thighs and hips, too!) so I am beyond wanting to pig out on sweets (says the girl who bought 3 containers of candy at Trader Joe's on Tuesday night--almond coconut things, dark chocolate caramels and some kind of delicious fruit gel things--because I have had my eye on them since the beginning of time and never, ever would have allowed myself to buy them because I would eat them all so I did it spontaneously knowing that it all had to stop.) After that.

I am beyond beating myself up for allowing myself to get so overweight. I am also trying to get beyond beating myself up for being overweight. I am who I am. But I want to be a better me. I want to lose this extra weight so I am more comfortable with myself and so I will someday be an old lady skiing down a mountain with my grandkids.

So here's the plan:

Go back to Weight Watchers meetings (at least to jump start myself)

Start back at the gym in September when the kids are back in school (kick boxing, strength)

Yoga on Wednesday mornings at 6:00 am

That's all for now since if I over plan, I'll end up doing nothing. Eat less, move more.

PS I do have to confess that I keep looking at the little chicken on the weight tracker to see if I have lost any weight yet.

Ta Da!

2009-08-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

Off to a new start again.

For real.