Thursday, October 29, 2009

My heart hurts

Is it weird to feel the love through the internets?? I have been feeling a bit off the past few days dealing with issues with Murphy (nothing new really) and even though I haven't written about it, I actually feel the support and love from my blog friends. You guys always lift me up whether you know it or not. Thank you.

It's funny how we can go through things in our life that may be difficult and sometimes painful and just go about our daily activities. I see the same people every day and I would never open up to any of them about how I am feeling. Well, how I am really feeling. I am always so smiley and upbeat in my sarcastic way. I realized the other day just how self depreciating I am. It kind of made me feel sad that I have been so unsupportive of myself. I am trying to change that. Pushing myself in kickboxing has helped me alot in feeling proud of myself. I want to look as strong as I feel. That will come in time.

I am trying to figure out some things about my child. I am not trying to be evasive. I wish I could pin point what exactly is the deal with him. He is so many wonderful things, but also so hard to parent. He is having a complete evaluation done at school...the full one including a psychological evaluation. He is really a funny, smart, think outside of the box kind of kid. But there are so many other things about him that are hard to describe. He's impulsive and obsessive about some things. Obsessive about whatever it is he wants to do, not OCD type of stuff. Like to the point I feel I would rather be waterboarded or that I have considered loaning him out to the CIA for suspect interrogations. He also can't not to do things. Does that make sense? He has a really, really hard time not doing something he is told not to do. I know that sounds like many kids. Trust me, it is 'more.' More is the only way I can describe him. Think of everything one would say is typical for a child and just add 'more' to the behavior. He also definitely has Sensory Integration issues. I am not sure what the whole scope of that is, but I know that he has sensitive hearing...but only with particular someone else chewing. Not loud noises. I think there are other space issues that are being discussed as well by his teacher and the Special Ed team and will be hopefully evaluated, too. He needs his space in groups...likes to be off on the side (hey, me, too, at times), but then he seems to get into everybody else's space at his group desk/table area. I know, I don't fully get it either.

Presently we are in the midst of a situation that ended badly because of his issues. In September he told me that he wanted to learn to play ice hockey. It was such a big deal that he showed an interest in something. Tom and I were thrilled even though he naturally chose the most expensive and time consuming activity. He seemed to feel good about himself learning to skate and having something that was "his own." He talked so positively about it all. I felt so hopeful that this was going to be just what he/we needed in his life.

Until he realized that he could not deal with wearing the hockey helmet with the cage in front. He can't deal with the cage part. It is too confining. Again, trust me. It is a feeling that is 'more' confining to him than to a typical child. He said he wants to play hockey, but he knows he can't because of the helmet. Broke my heart. I told him I would find a helmet that would feel more comfortable, that he could deal with. I would have paid hundreds of dollars even if he only played one season. I just wanted him to feel successful with something he chose. But now, just as quickly as he said he wholeheartedly wanted to play hockey, he now simply does not want to do it. I know it all sounds so 'so what, he changed his mind.' It is so much more than that though.

Kids love him. I can't say he really cares for any of them. Playdates? How do I tell someone that he really just does not want to go over to their house...nor does he want them at our house...without sounding like you have the quirky, antisocial kid. I mean at this age most kids like to be with other kids and crave the positive interactions and connections with others. Young kids so badly want to be liked and fit in at this age (and really at any age!) Murphy just does not seem to care. Yet he would have a playdate with one of Jack's friends anytime. He'd like to be able to go to Jack's friends' houses. But by the time the kids are in 4th grade, they really don't want to hang with the younger brother of their friend. Jack wouldn't really mind if he came. Murphy can be a lot of fun.

He is who he is. It just makes life hard sometimes. Really hard. Exhausting.

There are all these blogs with these moms who seem like the perfect parent. Just perfect and look at how precious and wonderful their bright-eyed, well photographed children are. They write little manifestos on how motherhood is such a gift (and it is, don't get me wrong.) They cook delicious meals and do all sorts of cool crafts. Do they have perfect kids? How is their situation different than mine? I spent last Saturday crying on the back hall stairs. Didn't want the kids to hear me. I just had my head in my hands. My best isn't good enough some days with my youngest child. And then my worst comes out.

Murphy comes into my bed every night. I look forward to his warm body snuggling up close to mine. I brush his wispy hair with my hand and tell him "i love you, little boy."

I just want him to have a happy life.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Still here

I'm here. I'm still doing my workout-a-rama schedule. I absolutely love it. I feel so fortunate that I am able to do it. I know I am so lucky that I don't have to work at the moment (well, it has been 10 years so far.) I would never be able to do this schedule if I worked, too. I will have to go back to some kind of paying job at some point, but for now, my workout plan is my job.

The weight is ever ever ever so slowly coming off. I try not to think about how little I have lost and how much I need to lose. This is about treating myself and my body the way it should be treated. It may take a year, but I am doing everything right.