Thursday, December 31, 2009


Happy New Year!

We just completed our first decade as parents. Jack was born in January 2000. Hard to believe that it was ten whole years ago that I was sitting on my old big green couch in Jamaica Plain with a huge belly full of baby...a baby that was kicking like crazy. We had no idea what we were in for, but we were absolutely giddy with excitement.

What a wild ride it's been.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Hmmm...Smells Like Murphy's Spirit

Overheard from the under the comforter this morning....

After Tom is done telling Murphy whether he will be able to play a video game or not, Murphy replies:

"Oh yeah, you're the parent. Sometimes I forget and think of you as my 40 year old brother."

Word, Murphy, word.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Feeling like Charlie Brown

Unfortunately my hard drive on my laptop died yesterday. I will be out of commission until I figure out what to do...and how much money I need to spend.

Yes, all of my photos were on my laptop..all our music on itunes, all of my banking records.

Everything. Some photos were backed up.

I will get back to everyone as soon as I can!! Just wanted you all to know why I haven't been around.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

This Year's Popular Teen Girl Halloween Costume

I saw a whole lot of young girls dressed up as skanks.

Yeah, you read right.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

My heart hurts

Is it weird to feel the love through the internets?? I have been feeling a bit off the past few days dealing with issues with Murphy (nothing new really) and even though I haven't written about it, I actually feel the support and love from my blog friends. You guys always lift me up whether you know it or not. Thank you.

It's funny how we can go through things in our life that may be difficult and sometimes painful and just go about our daily activities. I see the same people every day and I would never open up to any of them about how I am feeling. Well, how I am really feeling. I am always so smiley and upbeat in my sarcastic way. I realized the other day just how self depreciating I am. It kind of made me feel sad that I have been so unsupportive of myself. I am trying to change that. Pushing myself in kickboxing has helped me alot in feeling proud of myself. I want to look as strong as I feel. That will come in time.

I am trying to figure out some things about my child. I am not trying to be evasive. I wish I could pin point what exactly is the deal with him. He is so many wonderful things, but also so hard to parent. He is having a complete evaluation done at school...the full one including a psychological evaluation. He is really a funny, smart, think outside of the box kind of kid. But there are so many other things about him that are hard to describe. He's impulsive and obsessive about some things. Obsessive about whatever it is he wants to do, not OCD type of stuff. Like to the point I feel I would rather be waterboarded or that I have considered loaning him out to the CIA for suspect interrogations. He also can't not to do things. Does that make sense? He has a really, really hard time not doing something he is told not to do. I know that sounds like many kids. Trust me, it is 'more.' More is the only way I can describe him. Think of everything one would say is typical for a child and just add 'more' to the behavior. He also definitely has Sensory Integration issues. I am not sure what the whole scope of that is, but I know that he has sensitive hearing...but only with particular someone else chewing. Not loud noises. I think there are other space issues that are being discussed as well by his teacher and the Special Ed team and will be hopefully evaluated, too. He needs his space in groups...likes to be off on the side (hey, me, too, at times), but then he seems to get into everybody else's space at his group desk/table area. I know, I don't fully get it either.

Presently we are in the midst of a situation that ended badly because of his issues. In September he told me that he wanted to learn to play ice hockey. It was such a big deal that he showed an interest in something. Tom and I were thrilled even though he naturally chose the most expensive and time consuming activity. He seemed to feel good about himself learning to skate and having something that was "his own." He talked so positively about it all. I felt so hopeful that this was going to be just what he/we needed in his life.

Until he realized that he could not deal with wearing the hockey helmet with the cage in front. He can't deal with the cage part. It is too confining. Again, trust me. It is a feeling that is 'more' confining to him than to a typical child. He said he wants to play hockey, but he knows he can't because of the helmet. Broke my heart. I told him I would find a helmet that would feel more comfortable, that he could deal with. I would have paid hundreds of dollars even if he only played one season. I just wanted him to feel successful with something he chose. But now, just as quickly as he said he wholeheartedly wanted to play hockey, he now simply does not want to do it. I know it all sounds so 'so what, he changed his mind.' It is so much more than that though.

Kids love him. I can't say he really cares for any of them. Playdates? How do I tell someone that he really just does not want to go over to their house...nor does he want them at our house...without sounding like you have the quirky, antisocial kid. I mean at this age most kids like to be with other kids and crave the positive interactions and connections with others. Young kids so badly want to be liked and fit in at this age (and really at any age!) Murphy just does not seem to care. Yet he would have a playdate with one of Jack's friends anytime. He'd like to be able to go to Jack's friends' houses. But by the time the kids are in 4th grade, they really don't want to hang with the younger brother of their friend. Jack wouldn't really mind if he came. Murphy can be a lot of fun.

He is who he is. It just makes life hard sometimes. Really hard. Exhausting.

There are all these blogs with these moms who seem like the perfect parent. Just perfect and look at how precious and wonderful their bright-eyed, well photographed children are. They write little manifestos on how motherhood is such a gift (and it is, don't get me wrong.) They cook delicious meals and do all sorts of cool crafts. Do they have perfect kids? How is their situation different than mine? I spent last Saturday crying on the back hall stairs. Didn't want the kids to hear me. I just had my head in my hands. My best isn't good enough some days with my youngest child. And then my worst comes out.

Murphy comes into my bed every night. I look forward to his warm body snuggling up close to mine. I brush his wispy hair with my hand and tell him "i love you, little boy."

I just want him to have a happy life.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Still here

I'm here. I'm still doing my workout-a-rama schedule. I absolutely love it. I feel so fortunate that I am able to do it. I know I am so lucky that I don't have to work at the moment (well, it has been 10 years so far.) I would never be able to do this schedule if I worked, too. I will have to go back to some kind of paying job at some point, but for now, my workout plan is my job.

The weight is ever ever ever so slowly coming off. I try not to think about how little I have lost and how much I need to lose. This is about treating myself and my body the way it should be treated. It may take a year, but I am doing everything right.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Fat Blasting

Here's my exercise plan:

Mondays: 60 minutes Strength class
30 minutes Step class

Tuesdays: 60 minutes Kickboxing
45 minutes Zumba (not my first choice, but it comes right after)

Wednesday: day of errands, school volunteering, body rest

Thursday: 60 minutes Cardio Drill class (mother freaking hard, constant hell sweat class)
45 minutes Circuit class

Friday: 60 minutes Pilates
45 minutes Punch & Crunch (a killer kickboxing/ab crunch class)

This equals 6 hours 45 minutes of exercise over 4 days. I try to do something active on the weekend since I can't get to class Saturday morning because Murphy has a skating class since he is going to be starting hockey (yay...he finally chose a sport he wants to play! and boo, it is the one with the biggest early morning, all weekend commitment and humongous financial cost.) Sunday mornings is Zumba at 8:00 am and there is no way I am giving up my one day to sleep beyond 7:00 am for that wacky class. Besides, once it snows, I will be on the slopes skiing or in some cases, walking down the mountain with Murphy when he decides he doesn't want to ski anymore...either way it's a workout...if we can ever get to the mountain between the kids' sports on the weekend.

I have literally sweated more in these classes than I ever have in my entire life. I feel fantastic, but I do also feel like the cute, jolly chubby girl in every class. The token overweight girl. I am the fattest woman in every class. And I am not that fat. But next to them, I look like giganto girl. I swear one woman's two thighs equal one of my calves. Everyone else is so fit and slim. Obviously they have been doing this for a long time. I take the classes very seriously and work hard to do the moves properly to get the most out of it. That said, the instructors really spend extra time with me...they know I want to do it correctly and that I am really motivated to get into shape. Sometimes I feel like others must think I am a fat dumb ass who just can't get it right. It makes me laugh. Others in the class aren't necessarily doing their kickboxing moves right, but the teachers don't spend as much time with them because they have not shown the same dedication that I have. Plus, they're skinny so who cares?

What is slightly annoying is when another person in class corrects me like I am the class mascot or something. "Hi everyone! I'm on my own biggest loser show and you all are my freaking trainers...if you see me doing something you don't like that the instructor hasn't noticed, please feel free to come over to me and physically move my arms on the weight bar to where you think I should be holding it. Great. Thanks...because really I love being showcased in class as the village idiot. It's not enough for me to point it out on my own."

I'm just tired here and feel a little rough around the edges. I am busting my ass and making myself vulnerable by showing these trainers that I need them to get on me and then to have another person in class who I do not know, who I have never even casually talked to, start to correct me in a sort of know it all way (not in a hey, just helping out way)...and then to not really show the kind of loss on the scale that I think I deserve kind of bugs me. Oh yeah, and then to learn that the woman in class who is totally fit and lost 90 pounds a few years ago had gastric bypass surgery was kind of a let down. I know she still had to do the work and has to maintain the weight loss, but it just didn't feel like the same thing I am doing. Granted, I only have 40 pounds to lose.

I just keep going to class and do my best. It hurts like hell, but I actually do think about those contestants on the Biggest Loser and think that if they can do it for 6 hours a day, I can hack 1 1/2 hours. I also tell myself, just one more, one more when my thighs are burning like hell from numerous squats and kicks.

One more. I can do that.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Busy Days

I have to write a post tomorrow night or Thursday. I have been so busy with my...get out schedule. I have been doing two classes back to back at the little gym I go to. I figure I have some catching up to do.

I wasn't going to do 2 classes today, but when Anne, one of the instructors came out to my car (yes, indeed...but I was parked right in front. It wasn't like she came out to a big parking lot to hunt me down) to ask if I was going to the next class and said, "c'mon, you'll burn another 500 calories", I hopped out of the car and went back in. This was after a hard 1 hour kickboxing class. At first I said, "oh, i'm too busy." But then I was like 'Really, Julie? Too busy? The laundry and dishes can wait."

I am doing the double classes 3 days a week and 1 class on Mondays. The total hours of working out is 6 hours and 15 minutes. I have not added the weekend yet as Murphy has skating on Saturday mornings (he wants to play ice hockey...ridiculously expensive and HUGE time commitment, but he's really interested so we are exploring it.)

I am supposed to be helping Murphy with a bath and Tom just busted me on the laptop. Got to run...

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

3.6 Steps Forward, .4 Steps Back

I did go to my ghetto WW meeting. I swear it is just like therapy there. It is all because of this amazing Leader. Plus there were only 8 of us total. Well therapy in which I do not talk the whole time about myself...but I take it all in. I felt so good after.

I had to own this gain and it turned out to only be .4 lbs.

So the chicken did have to move backwards.

A Bucket

Murphy's response to the question, "What's your favorite toy to play with at home?" on a 'Getting to Know You' worksheet for school:

"Um, a bucket?"

Yes, it is true he has been playing a lot with this big blue toy bucket lately, but seriously?

I told him that he could not write that. He's like "Why? I've been playing with it a lot."

Me: "You just can't."

The teacher will think he's a real weirdo.

Me: "It doesn't tell the teacher anything about you."

Or does it?

One of the other questions was, "Tell me something about your friends."

After much thought, Murphy wrote "I don't much about them." Huh? She just wants to know a name or two. Or that you like to play Pokemon with them or whatever. What do you mean you don't know much about them??

Um, okay. I tried to help with these questions. I guess his answers will have to do. I think his answers are quite telling in what we have to deal with here.

Well, I guess he doesn't know to lie to make himself sound better yet;)

Focus was Rear-Ended

All it takes is one thing to knock me off my focus. I got rear-ended in my car on Friday coming out of mecca--Whole Foods--and I swear my focus was rear ended. Plus it was the weekend so it was not the same schedule. I am annoyed with myself. I didn't lose any weight this week. In fact, the scale is up. It's not like a binged. I mean I really didn't eat that much more. I was just unfocused and did not stay within my points. I did hike a mountain on Sunday. That should count for something.

On a good note, I went back to the gym and took a kickboxing class. It was so good to be back. It was a hard class and I felt fat, defeated and at one point, I kind of felt like throwing up. But I did it. I can't get back there until Friday.

I will get my focus back on. I have to. Tom started working out every day and he says he will give me serious shit if I continue this complaining about being fat, but not do anything about it.

That said, I am not going to WW tonight. I feel a little loser-ish about it, but I just can't afford to pay them for a weight gain. I mean, who gains a pound back on their 2nd week? I should still be in the couple of pounds off mode. I will go next week no matter what. If I don't lose weight next week then I guess I will just keep exercising and eating right until I opposed to my old ways which would be to eat more food and sulk on the couch.

That is not who I want to be.

On another note, I had a very vivid dream last night about the last house I lived in with my parents more than 20 years ago. I guess it would be my childhood home. I lived in it from 6th grade until college. And for reasons I can't figure out, some landscape people came to cut down some huge trees we had in the back yard. Everything felt so familiar. I can't figure out what any of this means. Weird.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

For Hire: Someone to do homework with my kid

Murphy has been demanding that I homeschool him next year. He would prefer if I started right this minute though. His idea of homeschooling is surely comprised of him doing lots of crazy science experiments and watching tv. Oh, and eating lots of snacks. He also said that he would get a 20 minute recess. He didn't seem to care that there would be no other kids to play with.

After working with him on his homework tonight, I told Tom that I would sooner kill myself than homeschool Murphy. Okay, I lie. I said that to Tom WHILE I was attempting to get Murphy to do his homework...with him sitting right next to me. Don't worry I put a nickle in his therapy jar. The three words he wrote on the worksheet took a half hour. 3 seconds to write it interspersed with 29 minutes and 57 seconds worth of meltdowns on how he does not want to do it.

He's a smart, creative kid.
He's a smart ass and funny as hell.

And some days, he's just hell.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

The Second Day of School

Murphy woke up this morning and declared that he was not going to school today. He said that his stomach felt sick. I said something to the affect of 'wishing' he felt better or whatever and his repsonse:

"I wish I had a parent who knew right from wrong (I am not kidding, he said this) and know that it is wrong to send their child to school when they feel sick."

I had to laugh. He is seven years old.

The good news is that he did indeed go to school and though he told me that he was going to the nurse's office right away (and I sat in the parking lot resisting the urge to go into the school to check on him), I know he did not. I called the nurse around 10:30. She said she had not seen him today. The nurse said that she thinks that it is a match made in heaven with regard to his teacher. She is a mother hen type who has no kids of her own and thinks of the kids as a good way.

I think it will be like this until the very last day of his senior year in high school.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

My Chicken is Moving!!

I went to my first weigh-in and I am down 3.6 pounds and that is with Aunt Flo (thanks Heather for the funny lingo) presently visiting. Another really good meeting. I think I have really lucked out with this group and leader. Everyone is so committed.

First day of school for the boys. Everything went well until Murphy got to school. He was nervous about going to school. I dropped him off and parked so I could go in and drop off all of their school supplies. Huge amount of people in the hallway waiting to go their classrooms. I spot Jack and ask him where Murphy is. He says, he asked to go to the bathroom. Uh oh. That can only mean one thing...he is the nurse's office. Poor kid threw up...he totally wills it. The nurse knew it was first day of school jitters, but was a little concerned by the color of the vomit. She had me come to the bathroom to check it out ( is not as gross as it sounds like it is going to be). I knew what the problem would be. The vomit was a purple-blue. My kids eat super healthy foods 90% of the time. I always get a super special sugar cereal for the first week of school. Today it was Boo-Berry cereal, which they love. Anyone remember that cereal? It is a blue box with a silly ghost on the package. I know I am getting older and more relaxed as a parent since I didn't feel the need to let the nurse know all of the other healthy foods my kids ate this morning and that this was 'special', etc. I didn't feel judged, nor did I care. I guess that is progress as parent and as a person. I know I am a good mom even with the occasional 'candy-like' cereal:)

Anyway, he eventually made it to class after lounging on one of the beds in the nurse's office. His teacher is FANTASTIC. Jack also had a great day and has the best 4th grade teacher at the I have been told.

Yay on the chicken moving! I had to adjust how much weight I am aiming to lose to follow what my initial weigh-in weight was at WW.

Friday, August 28, 2009

My WW meeting at the trailer park

I was a bit nervous about going to this WW meeting. First, because I knew I had to make the commitment to myself and I was afraid I would let myself down. Second, because the location of the meeting was not ideal. We don't have meetings in my town. Plus this meeting was the only day and time that I could attend.

The meeting took place inside of a church like many of them do.Usually a basement, which is what I assumed this one to be. My expectations of what a church would look like differed from this particular site. We have beautiful white churches in our town with big steeples. I figured it would not look exactly like those, but I thought it would still look like a church. Or rather, what I was used to. I actually drove right by it and then did a double take. When I lived in the Jamaica Plain section of Boston for many years, there were these storefront churches that always seemed a bit sketchy and voo doo. So when I turned around into the small lot to a similar looking 'stand alone' building, I was a little weary. Naturally the building abutted a trailer park--in which a shirtless dude was mowing his 'lawn.' There was also a dumpster in the corner of the lot with a ton of know, like rusty old bed frames and the like. I was unsure if the trash belonged to the church or the trailer park.

It was a tiny building...more like a mobile home (hmmm...maybe there is a connection between the church and the trailer its followers all live there;) ) with no less than 5 entrances. Most of them with wooden ramps for wheelchairs...which seemed kind of strange since it was all one level. Anyway, the only thing that got me in the place was the fact that the other cars in the lot were all normal, if not nicer cars (but not too nice or I would have been even more freaked out.) It took me 3 doors before I found the right one.

I walked in, signed up and went into a tiny little chapel room with about 12 chairs and a raised platform. The people all looked normal and behaved normally. The leader was fantastic. Because the meeting was so small, it was like she was talking to you (okay, I was feeling vulnerable so maybe it just felt that way.) Bonus: I did not know anyone. I feel right now this is a private journey (I feel ridiculous using that word--journey. I cringe when others use it with regard to weight loss, but I didn't want to take the time to figure out a different word.) It has been about 4 years since I have gained all of this weight. I have been talking about losing weight to people I know--family, friends, people in stores, people at kids' school, neighbors, etc--for so long and have actually gained weight that I need to do this quietly.

No one talked about how to fit their twinkies or fast food into their points. People seemed serious to be there. Really, this is not a location that you would just go to for the fun of it. Also, it is not near any stores unlike my last location so you would not tag it onto other errands like I used to.

I feel better already.

I am reclaiming myself.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009


More on the WW meeting later. I'm getting the kids to bed. Then tomorrow Tom took the day off as a last 'summer hurrah' and we are going for a day trip to...where else?...Vermont! We are checking out a town that is only 2 hours away to see if we might want to live there. Tom said he'd do a 2 hour commute if it all worked out well. The trick to living in Vermont is to try to keep one's Massachusetts salary.

I feel so great about going to the meeting.

I think Teddy is with me right now;) I made sure the kids knew not to fight today as it was a day of mourning. Seriously. I am a huge Kennedy Democrat. Or was:(

Say what you want about his personal life, but that man was a tiger for the underdog.

Almost Time

It is nearly time to leave to go to my first Weight Watchers meeting...well, the first one in a long, long time.

I am nervous.

Nervous that I won't make it work.

But I have to be successful. I know I am the only thing in my way.

I think it may be a good sign that I am nervous.

It means more this time.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Shorty Got Fat

Tom just asked me if my fancy little weight tracker on the side of the blog also tracked weight I shoved a handful or four of Goldfish into my fat little face.

Very funny.

Besides I did not officially start yet. It's not 'official-official' until I get weighed in at Weight Watchers next Wednesday at 6 pm. I am not saying I am going to gorge myself until then. I am pretty darn close to my 9 month pregnancy weight (but not pregnant so, well, at least it's not all in my stomach. It's in my butt, thighs and hips, too!) so I am beyond wanting to pig out on sweets (says the girl who bought 3 containers of candy at Trader Joe's on Tuesday night--almond coconut things, dark chocolate caramels and some kind of delicious fruit gel things--because I have had my eye on them since the beginning of time and never, ever would have allowed myself to buy them because I would eat them all so I did it spontaneously knowing that it all had to stop.) After that.

I am beyond beating myself up for allowing myself to get so overweight. I am also trying to get beyond beating myself up for being overweight. I am who I am. But I want to be a better me. I want to lose this extra weight so I am more comfortable with myself and so I will someday be an old lady skiing down a mountain with my grandkids.

So here's the plan:

Go back to Weight Watchers meetings (at least to jump start myself)
Start back at the gym in September when the kids are back in school (kick boxing, strength)
Yoga on Wednesday mornings at 6:00 am

That's all for now since if I over plan, I'll end up doing nothing. Eat less, move more.

PS I do have to confess that I keep looking at the little chicken on the weight tracker to see if I have lost any weight yet.

Ta Da!

Off to a new start again.

For real.