Saturday, July 31, 2010

She was

I never thought it would be like this. Motherhood, that is.

All I ever wanted to be was a mom. When I was a kid and was asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would say a 'mommy.'

My mom tells me things like "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle" and "You must be very special is why God has given you these challenges."

But I don't feel special. I feel alone.

And I am sitting in the kitchen crying to myself after Murphy just told me to get out the room he's in...and not in a nice way at all. And unless you have a child like Murphy, you could not understand that the best option was for me to leave. I know it seems like I am not disciplining him and that I shouldn't let him talk that way to me. It is just not that simple. It just is not. I have another child who does not behave like this.

I wonder if he will ever truly know what a great mom I was.

Thursday, July 22, 2010


We are leaving this weekend for a week in Stowe, Vermont. I am so looking forward to it. I just want to hike and be with the mountains and my family. I really am a mountain girl at heart. I just feel so happy and at peace when there are mountains all around me. Plus, it has been cooler in VT than here. It has been so hot and muggy here that we just aren't going outside that much. And I am looking forward to some awesome maple walnut cookies at the local bakery. Strangely, the woman who owns the bakery is someone I went to college with. It is so bizarre how many people I went to either high school or college with ended up in Vermont, which is where Tom and I wish we lived. We just can't make the move right now because of the job situation and really, I don't feel comfortable leaving Murphy's school. He is in a great school with good support and not as much 'blame the mom' mentality as some other schools (at least that is what my therapist has told me.)

We are done seeing Murphy's therapist until mid September. Dr. M. would like to start up again after school starts and re-do some testing to see whether Murphy truly has ADHD and/or what else. I am so glad actually that we are taking a break. I just felt like we were going through the motions with no action plan. I realize part of the 'action plan' is that Dr. M needs time to with Murphy and gain his trust though. But Murphy's take on it all is that Dr. M is lonely and want someone to talk to him so he has people come in and talk. Yes, he said that. He also told me that he will never scream into a pillow as Dr. M once told him that he could do if he got angry. Murphy said, "yes, I know I could, but I choose not to."

Oh, here's some good news, too. Murphy's swearing has really decreased since he has been off the medication. No more calling me an Effing Beast and such. Plus, he has gained 2 pounds, which is a big deal when you are underweight.

I decided that after we get back from vacation I must get myself back on a plan to rid myself of excess weight. I just have not been paying attention to it at all. Plus, I have not been to the gym in a month since the kids are home. My gym is a little place that only has early morning classes(not open otherwise) and no babysitting. Yeah, yeah, I know I could do something here at home, but it has been so freaking hot and we don't have central a/c.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

That's a new one

Jack just asked me why Murphy had to always act like such a bastard.

That's just great. This is the child who does not swear and have outlandish outbursts.

I guess he's had it, too.

Our ride home from camp (which Murphy did not go to again today), Murphy was angry because Jack was swallowing his drink. Yet, we can't put on music to cover any sounds because he does not allow that either. Then it was the sound of Jack's breath.

I actually wished the person driving below the speed limit in front of me would just drive off the road and get out of my way. I just wanted to get home and not be in the car with my kids.

Forget about being 'normal'. I just want some peace.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

What couldn't fit

I have got to call my parents and dis-invite them on our vacation to VT. Our family therapist suggested we make it a "our family-only" vacation. Said we should go and relax (as if with Cowabunga boy.) Having my parents there would not help.

I was really mixed about having them come anyway. I didn't appreciate all the comments about how skinny Murphy is when we saw them last weekend. Um, duh, we know that. It's a problem. We are doing the best we can here. The kid is back on whole milk. Actually, it was the comments that my Dad was saying to Murphy that got me. The ones in which he kept telling Murphy he was getting chubby and such. Murph was like "Um, okay, I know you must be sarcastic." Grandpa didn't mean to be a jerk, but I just can not take any more scrutiny or veiled judgement, whether someone is aware that they are doing it or not.

Plus, I don't feel like being responsible for all of their meals (like making them coffee and breakfast every morning.) I don't need anymore people to wait on.

I am not as disgruntled as it sounds. Just it is hot, I am tired and Aunt Flo just got here (that's a shout out to HL who taught me that phrase:), ok, that was a weird shout out.