Thursday, January 6, 2011

altered vista

"And sometimes the only way to move forward is to let go of all our cherished ideas about the way things 'ought' to be, so that we can begin the work with things as they are."

~Katrina Kenison, "the gift of an ordinary day"

I struggle, but work on this each day.

Really, I work on this each moment. We never have a bad day here. More like a series of bad moments. Sometimes the bad outweighs the good. That is usually the case. But we keep trying. It will never be how it 'ought' to be. I mourn that. I struggle with that. I cry alone on my back staircase or in my car over this. I allow myself those moments because I do know how fortunate my family is. Oh, how it could be so much harder and tragic. But I need to allow myself to feel fully so I can begin the work with things as they are.

I love that little guy.
Even when I say I hate him.
Especially then.

My sons are my life's work.


  1. Oh Julie,
    I wish I had the words. I wish I could be there in person, so that you could let it out, and feel validated... by a real live person. You deserve that.


    love, Mrs F

  2. Yes. Letting go of what it should be is really hard. I'm still working on that myself.

  3. Mrs F, I can't read your comment without crying. That made feel validated and loved. Just that quote You deserve that. alone brings tears to my eyes. Thank you.

    Robin, I know you struggle with this, too. I think we will always be working on it and trying to adjust our thinking to what is normal for our family.

    For the record, I absolutely loved Katrina Kenison's book, "the gift of an ordinary day." I was surprised that it kept my attention. I really loved it. I read each skimming, which I do when I am just trying to get through a book even if I like it.

  4. Just felt like letting you know I was here, stopping by and hope all is well!!!!

  5. I didn't know you were back to blogging. I left this note on Mrs. F.'s blog, but now I can post it to you...

    We saw an amazing, fantastic, knowledgable neuropsych last week. She has an office near me, but also one in Barnstable. Not sure where you are, but if you are interested in a name, I could contact you offline. Just offering because it took us four years to finally find the right person to help us...and maybe she could help you, or point you in a direction for help.

    I took a ride in my car and cried just two days ago. Sometimes that letting go is next to impossible...