I will be back with more posts in the coming weeks as the next 2 weeks are big ones around here. We have the 5 hour neuropsych eval on Thursday and the following week, a second appointment with the neurologist. We could get a more definitive diagnosis or lack thereof in the next 2 weeks. Murphy has not had any of the OT, PT or speech/language evals yet, but really the only one that concerns me is the neuropsych...the other ones are not big deals. He is getting referred for those for his bad handwriting, toe walking and his British sounding speech. Those issues are not the things that turn this house upside down. We got him a net book for typing, he will have well developed calves and really, who doesn't love a respectable British accent?
In the meantime, I have got to put a stop to NOT taking care of myself better. I quit the gym, cancelled Weight Watchers, stopped tracking food and have gotten back to wearing a version of my "uniform" daily (jeans, some kind of black shirt and Sanita/Dansko clogs) without any kind of accessories because I just don't have the mental capacity to care. Yet, I do care down deep inside. I have been doing some work around the house that has been really satisfying. Like pulling up rugs in 2 upstairs rooms and painting floors...yes, sounds weird, but this house is over a hundred years old and it is historically accurate for the wide pine floors of this style house...Actually, the real reason is that it only costs a can of paint and I am impatient and do not want to wait to have someone put down new floors. Not that we could afford it. We can not have them sanded and refinished because the floors are so old that the prior paint on them are full of lead. Plus I kind of have an addiction to gorgeous rugs. Downstairs we have unpainted wide pine floor with Tibetan rugs I had bought at Yayla Tribal Rugs in Cambridge, MA prior to having kids.
Yeah, so anyway, spring weather is coming here and I know I am going to be disgusted with myself as I pull out warm weather clothing (which more than likely will be a Spring version of my "uniform"...some kind of black short sleeve shirt and jean capris) and face that I have let another year go by without losing the 45 pounds I gained about 6 years ago. I know that the best thing I could do for my family is to tackle this issue so I can feel better about myself. Yet, I work on it for a little while until I don't at all. Maybe I am enjoying this house "work" so much is because it has a beginning and an end...with a result that you can see and enjoy rather quickly. And then 'issue' is over. Don't like that rug? Pull it up. All done. The rug is not going to creep back onto the floor. I guess having body/food issues is better than having a drug/drinking/gambling problem as it does not affect all the people in your life as much. I just feel like I don't have the room in my head to deal with Murphy (and Jack since he is affected by being the sibling of a brother with challenges) and deal with 'fixing' myself. I go to a therapist once a month that only deals with parenting Murphy. I feel like there is no me and that no one in my parenting circles where I live can really understand how our life is like with Murphy. There is no carefree "hey, let's go out and do something" around here. Tom and I don't even spend any time together when the kids are in bed BECAUSE I am in bed with Murphy. I am certainly getting more sleep and reading more. Okay, I have to stop since this is totally making feel sad. My life is fantastic compared to what it could be. I don't even need to give examples. Not in Japan...enough said. I know no one's life turns out exactly how they had hoped. I just wish I could eat at the dinner table with my family. We used to be able to when the kids were really little...before the sensory issues took over for Murphy. But that was when they were so young and dinnertime was so crazy anyway. I had been waiting for the time when we would sit at the table with a nice wooden salad bowl and the same meal being eaten by all and we could actually talk to each other about our day or whatever. I don't mean perfect...it would have the normal family stuff going on. That is all I want. Just to be a little more normal.
Well, I have to go. Murphy wants to go upstairs to get something and needs me to go with him. He is 9 1/2 and he can't/won't go upstairs alone. And believe me, it is not a matter of us just making him. Believe me.
Alright, over and out.