I am just tired.
Don't know where to start.
Can't seem to finish what I start.
Life revolves around Murphy.
Need a therapist, but apparently out where I live, so does everyone else as there is a several month waiting period before I can be seen. What is up with that? I really want to see this guy since he is well versed in ADHD and has a Center for Attentional Difficulties. He 'gets' it. He gets that ADHD isn't just about attention deficit and hyperactivity. It is so. much. more.
ADHD in our case is about lack of control, obsessiveness, impulsive behavior, a spewing of swear words when control is lost. It is also about creativity and a fierce love.
ADHD (and whatever the hell else is going on) has found me on my back staircase, with my head in my hands. Either crying or desperately wanting to cry for the release, but unable because of a numbness.
We have several therapists now (one for Murphy and family, one for me for parenting him.) There have been millions of calls and talks with teachers, his OT at school...he was on medication for the possible ADHD, but neither med he tried worked. They just made him a total asshole. Yes, I love him dearly, but that is the only way to describe how he behaved. This was during his "mom, you are a f-ing beast" phase.
Oh, and the kicker: I was diagnosed as having ADHD. I took one of Murphy's stimulants to see what it did to him. It made me calm. Yes, my frontal lobe needs speed to slow it down. Stimulant medications for ADHD (like Adderall) work counterintuitively. They speed you up to slow you down.
So now I can't blame Tom anymore for Murphy's impulsive, whirlwind behavior.
That's the real kicker.;)