Saturday, May 1, 2010

Originally written on 5/1/10...Never posted

I have started and stopped this post several times.
I am just tired.
Don't know where to start.
Can't seem to finish what I start.

Life revolves around Murphy.

Need a therapist, but apparently out where I live, so does everyone else as there is a several month waiting period before I can be seen. What is up with that? I really want to see this guy since he is well versed in ADHD and has a Center for Attentional Difficulties. He 'gets' it. He gets that ADHD isn't just about attention deficit and hyperactivity. It is so. much. more.

ADHD in our case is about lack of control, obsessiveness, impulsive behavior, a spewing of swear words when control is lost. It is also about creativity and a fierce love.


ADHD (and whatever the hell else is going on) has found me on my back staircase, with my head in my hands. Either crying or desperately wanting to cry for the release, but unable because of a numbness.


UPDATE 7/7/10
We have several therapists now (one for Murphy and family, one for me for parenting him.) There have been millions of calls and talks with teachers, his OT at school...he was on medication for the possible ADHD, but neither med he tried worked. They just made him a total asshole. Yes, I love him dearly, but that is the only way to describe how he behaved. This was during his "mom, you are a f-ing beast" phase.

Oh, and the kicker: I was diagnosed as having ADHD. I took one of Murphy's stimulants to see what it did to him. It made me calm. Yes, my frontal lobe needs speed to slow it down. Stimulant medications for ADHD (like Adderall) work counterintuitively. They speed you up to slow you down.

So now I can't blame Tom anymore for Murphy's impulsive, whirlwind behavior.

That's the real kicker.;)


  1. You posted!!!!

    Girl. I get it. Like really get it. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but my coping mechanism is to pretend it isn't happening. :) Real effective, I know.

  2. Oy.

    I'm just curious, are any of the therapists working? (outside of the med situation?)

    I'm so sorry, you sound so exhausted.

  3. Katie, I felt a tremendous amount of relief when we got the first appointment...kind of like "oh, we are not alone in this anymore." I just don't think anything is going to 'change' Murphy (and I am not looking to do that really...just the disruptive behavior). It's almost like Murphy is too smart for the therapy;). He's not looking to change. So the therapy is really for me to learn how to live and cope and try to modify his behavior.

    I am so confused about what I want to do. Well, not completely. I know some of the things I want to website and program at Mass General hospital in Boston, get a sensory evaluation, full child neuropsych at either Children's or Mass Gen. BUT my freaking insurance does not cover any of those locations and no one covers anything that has to do with Sensory Processing Disorder since it officially does not exist in medical community(kind of like ADD/ADHD many years ago.)

    I am not sure I really answered your question. It is kind of how my brain works these days. No clear questions or answers.

    And yes, I am exhausted and have succumbed to letting Murphy play video games all day during this heat wave. Bad mommy;)

  4. Do. Not. Beat. Yourself. Up.

    We all do what need to do to get through rough times....its called survival, I love that you can keep it real despite the fact that you are in the eye of an unexplainable storm. One that no one but you can possibly understand, yet, our love for you enables us to hold you close in our thoughts and wish every bit of strength in our bodies to you. To lift you up and hopefully encourage you to endure the path you're on. Like all great momma's you'll find what works and when you out, because it will be amazing!

    Love you, hang in there!!!

  5. Kiki, as usual, you lift me up and make me feel my darkest moments. Thank you so much. I wish I knew you in 'real' life. Your friends and family are so blessed to know you as I am in blog world.

  6. I am so sorry I've been remiss in checking in here. I had no idea you were posting. I know all too well about ADD and the havoc it wreaks on a family. We're struggling too with diagnoses and trials of new medications. It's really hard. The last medication made him completely STUPID. I mean, it was like I was living with someone with dementia. It was very, very hard. He's weaning himself off it, and we'll go in for another evaluation in 2 weeks to see what he's like unmedicated. I'm so sorry Julie. It's incredibly tough, I know.